DATING & BOUNDARIES
Healthy Dating Boundaries when meeting new people---
Yes. You guys know I love boundaries and I love talking about them. Boundaries are the foundation of a healthy relationship. Let’s all agree on this one thing to start out… Navigating the dating world is HARD enough. It’s nerve-wracking, stressful, and you’re still worried about shaving your legs. People alike ‘ghost’ one another, answers are minimal, and confusion and unknowing become the norm. For those outside of the millennial age—‘ghosting’ is a term that means: one person in relationship decided to stop communicating suddenly without any clarity as to why the relationship wasn’t going to work for them. I like to say that ghosting is taking the easy way out, and a prime example of conflict avoidance.
(Oh, don’t you worry… a post on conflict styles is coming)
So now that you’re all enlightened (woke), you are able to understand the difficulties. Dating is hard. Dating is especially hard when you’re starting into it without any prior history or knowledge of this person. There’s where boundaries come into play. Once again, I will talk from a place of personal experience to make it relatable and clear.
So, what does a boundary look like when in a new dating relationship?
Well, it can look different ways. It can look like clear communication on your part describing your wants, expectations, and non-negotiables. For example, when I was immersed in the dating world, I would always share my location with a friend before going on a date. Why? BC THERE ARE SCARY PEOPLE OUT THERE, YOU GUYS. If the date went well and we continued to communicate, I would like to ask that person what they’re looking for. You’d be surprised about the amount of honesty that someone will give you when you ask that. Get clear, and get honest. When I met my husband Eric after meeting him on the dating app, Bumble, I remember saying, “what’re you looking for out of this?” I also remember checking in throughout to see where emotions were lying. Boundaries for your heart come through communication. The cool thing about that is, YOU can control how well you communicate. Unfortunately, you cannot control it on behalf of the other party; however, if they do not reciprocate that level of clarity, they are likely not going to be an appropriate fit for you at that time.
Boundaries of the body are also extremely important. Even before dating, reflect on the different things that make you comfortable and uncomfortable, and follow through with that when another person is added to the mix. For example, how many dates until you invite them over? What are you comfortable with in regards to sexuality? How do you decide when you do or do not feel comfortable with something? The best thing to do is to communicate with the other person what you’re comfortable with. Until I got to know my husband better, I would invite him to my apartment, but only with other friends around. Gradually, I would allow for more intimacy based on my comfortability and aligned communication I was having with him. Physically protecting yourself from emotional or bodily damage is an uncomfortable conversation to have. It is sticky, awkward, and you’re not sure how the other person might respond. A respectful, deserving partner will respond with grace, and abide by those boundaries. A person who might not be deserving of your dating might respond with anger, an ultimatum, pressure, or manipulation. Your ‘gut instinct’ will usually clue you in to those things. I encourage you to create space from that individual when that happens.
When a hopeful dating relationship doesn’t pan out, it sure is disappointing. If you’re in the dating world in general you’re likely tired of being single, maybe even frustrated, and exhausted by the process. If you’re none of those things—woooooohooo! Awesome. It is okay to feel those things. It is okay to have a desire for intimacy and the deepest level of love, and it is okay to feel super bummed sometimes when you are not obtaining those things. If you need a break from the dating world- take it. If you’re still hopeful and optimistic- keep trying. There is no right or wrong way to go about it. There is healthy/ unhealthy for you, and ultimately that will be for you (and hopefully a therapist) to decide.
My one word of wisdom is: even a healthy, loving, supportive relationship will NOT fix all your problems and fill your voids. It will mask them for a while, but I can guarantee they are waiting patiently for you when the “honeymoon phase” wears off. The only way that you might fill those voids is to continue to explore yourself through different lenses, and then fill those pieces with things that you value and believe in. It might be your spirituality, self-love, hobbies, and continued growth in all facets of life. It’ll likely be a mix of those things.
Dating is hard, and I see you. I hear you. Continue to check in with yourself and ask.. “what do I need?”
Do you need social support? An intense workout class? A break from dating apps? To “get back out there” again?
Always remember—
You can do hard things.
Xox-
Melܚ